August 28, 2012
After our lunch we decided it would be a good idea to put on the television and sit in recliners. I think we both dozed on and off through some fun afternoon talk shows, that because of my work schedule had no idea even existed. In between we talked about things that were on my mind, and some that were on hers, when I heard something on the television that caught my attention enough to look it up later. The talk show hosts said something about tomorrow being the time of New Moon Abundance. I had never heard of that before, so I chose to look it up. As I read what little bits I could find about the new moon phase and the powerful role that some believe it can play, I had to admit some hard truths about myself and that it was true that each person has a choice as to how they process and react to the things that they encounter along their life’s path. I also had to admit that something happened to me about three years ago that poisoned the well of my intentions along with my good feelings, and no matter what I did at the time, and along the way, I could not seem to shake the angry and negative feelings that were eating me alive from the inside out. Looking back on these years I realized that I have become someone who I never wanted to be. I never thought I would allow the actions of another person to cut me so deeply, and poison me so completely that it rendered me nearly emotionally paralyzed. Regardless of what anyone said to me, I clung to the ridiculous belief that there may have been some understandable reason for what happened, and that perhaps he was also a victim of some outside force of evil as well. This afternoon I finally verbalized the truth. I was hurt by a person who while appearing somewhat nice, was probably the most selfish and self-loathing person I have ever known. I decided, in agreement with my mom, that rather than “changing” in the face of what admittedly was a horrific personal loss, he simply lost the energy to hold up his dishonesty and simply reverted to his natural self.
Over the past few months I have been honored with the presence of a far-away friend who entered into my life as a result of a question I had asked about something he had written. That in itself is nothing unusual for me. I have done this on many occasions and as a result have come to know some very incredible people. Regardless of how negative and bitter I have become over my recent past, I am not too far gone to realize the value of people and relationships, even if I have guarded my emotional self in a fortress with a poisonous moat surrounding it and a welcome mat that says: “GO AWAY”.
This afternoon when I was listening to the program about New Moon Abundance it occurred to me that this is the sort of thing my far away friend might have been talking about, as he has questioned my ways of thinking in what I realize now have been gentle and masterful ways. In fairness he was not the first friend to foster an opinion or pose questions about the way I have been behaving, but he is in fact, the first person to ever take the time to get to know me well enough to do it in a way that made a real difference.
When reading on the subject of abundance and living with intention, I realized that in the course of these last few years I had lost my will to live with positive intention. I had ceased my forward momentum and could no longer recognize my once innate ability to know that regardless of whatever path I chose, things were going to work themselves through one way or the other, and that everything was going to be okay. It occurs to me that I am really not sure that there is any one tactic or tool that opens up the channel of positive energy that allows good things to come one’s way, but I am open to the idea that with the proper discipline and behavior, good things can and will happen for anyone who is focused and open to them. I also agree that while wanting big things, it is also important to focus on the little things because it is the accomplishment of these that create the stepping stones to the accomplishment of the big things.
This evening it dawned on me that the two people who have impacted my life in the most dramatic ways have something in common. Both have been slammed in the face by the most devastating losses that God or the Universe could come up with. How it was handled made all the difference in the world. Both were caught completely off guard, both were leveled emotionally and shut down emotionally. Neither had any idea what their next move should be. The glaring difference between the two is that one was a coward, retreating into his self, diving down a black hole only to poke his head out into an alternate world of deceit and pretend, and the other paid his appropriate dues of grief, remained a resident of reality, determined courageously to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing what was going to happen next, but determined to hold his head up and remain willing to help others no matter how heavy it felt to do so.
I have known a lot of fascinating people in my life, some really amazing and positive influences, and I can humbly say that I come from one of the best families in the world, but I have never in my life been able to say that I have a hero until today.
Here’s to thinking differently, here’s to living with positive intention, and here’s to finally taking my turn and going for what I want in this life. I have learned the secret that he spent two months trying to tell me. Open your eyes, look only in front of you, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You do not have to know where you are going, only that you are on your way. It is all going to be okay.