Tuesday, August 27, 2013

How Big Is My Brave?

“You were made for me”. These words were spoken to me recently. They were not spoken in the context of some romantic setting with gushy and otherwise suspicious rickety emotions. They were spoken with clarity and determination, as if we were just sitting in the car or across the table in a burger shack, stated as matter-of- fact.  You would think hearing it would make my heart jump, or, more likely for me, cause my eyebrow to raise in my usual disbelief. I loved hearing it, and my reaction surprised me. Of course I smiled when I heard it and it warmed me. I have to admit I had a little internal chuckle, because I already knew this was true, and thought for a moment, what if he is just saying it, not knowing its true, and I know its true...*chuckles*...Just sayin'.   
I am enjoying getting to know this man. I am sure I gave him enough heartburn in the beginning to last a lifetime, far more than he ever plans to give me, and frankly I am very impressed that he stuck it out and allowed me to come along in my own time and way. He was instrumental in that. Not too many men come along who are willing to help you get unstuck or gain clarity or become centered when you are not. This man is impressive. I am sure that he will not puff out his chest when he reads this rather he will simply want to know why I think what I think.  Sometimes, that is the hard part, expressing what I think in words. Ones that make sense in particular are a challenge.  Perhaps my past associations with others served to beat my words out of me and caused me to simply put my head down and push through the weeds that crowded out the path of my life. Perhaps the tick borne disease that I am determined to vanquish robbed the words from my brain.  Perhaps my asshole ex-husband simply choked the free speech out of me and once disentangled, I forgot to bother setting myself free. I have no idea. What I do know is that this extraordinary man came along, saw me for all of who I am and can be and decided I was worth his time and caring.
I remember telling him on the phone the first time that I knew the reality of me. I knew that a woman like me is not for everyone. I do not make or keep many friends at a time, I do not like crowds and I most certainly do not enjoy or wish to be a participant in anybody’s “drama”.  I remember sharing that with him recently and how in the past the bullshit stories a man told me resulted in angry phone calls from his surprisingly alive-sounding “dead” wife.  I told him how upsetting this was at the time but like with most things that shake me, a little time and a little sex, seem to make the whole affair amusing. Usually the time does not include the bull-shitter, nor does the sex. What is most impressive is that this man seems to have some vision, and regardless of what he currently had been doing, felt I was worth his brand of TLC and attention.  It was and continues to be what I need, and enjoy.  The best part of this whole experience is getting to know who he really is, and realizing that he is really quite likeable.  Not too many people have what it takes to call me out on my crap while still protecting my soft spots. No one has ever shown their strong and soft sides to me at the same time like he has. I have to admit, I am more and more taken every day.  I made it clear that I am always a bit jumpy, always waiting for the boot to fall. I hope that it never will.  What I am learning is to quit worrying about things I cannot control and only focus on what I can control. I knew this of course, however within myself in all of the chaos of illness and changes, I simply forgot.  I think he reminded me in the best way possible for me to be reminded.  Most people do not have that kind of moxie, and self-esteem these days. Many women might consider it Neanderthal for a man, but somehow strong and not horsey for a woman. If being an Alpha leader makes a man a caveman, I will be dragged off by my hair any day, but the proof is always in the pudding.
Where does all this leave me? I think I am in the beginning of a very good path. A sane person might feel full of fear but I do not.  Amidst the changes and challenges with relocating, and starting everything anew, I found tremendous comfort and resonance with this song by Sara Bareilles, “Brave”.  I like this video, its full of everyday people doing not so everyday things.  I think I can leave behind my fear of speaking out and being heard. I think I can stop worrying about cracking the eggs beneath my feet, I cannot fix them anyway. It is time to go forward and see how big my brave is.

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